First of all, MY BABY SISTER IS 16 YEARS OLD! Oh my goodness. I’m not sure if I can handle this! (doing breathing exercises) I’ll be okay. But I do remember….I must have not yet been 3 years old and me and Bekah stepped up on these steps they had placed by a window in the hospital and looked into the nursery. That was the first time I saw her. Then my next memory….a baby shower or something…Hannah was in a basket in the middle of the room and me and Bekah were sitting w/ her. A bunch of insignificant adults were sitting in chairs around us….but to me it was just the three of us. I remember as she got older….Mom trying to keep the Dic Dic poop out of her mouth….her peeing behind a bush that was (unknown to her) right in front of a large window to a dining area at the guest house we were at. Her taking the blame when me and Bekah did something wrong, because she thought that it was a good thing. Me and Bekah being jealous because she was aloud to do things that we were ‘too old’ to do. Building forts in trees….having fights…temper tantrums. I remember that sweet little girl….always looking to please others, always smiling, but easily hurt, and very sensitive. I remember when Mom joked that she was gonna let the women take Hannah away to their homes….I cried and cried till she had to calm me explaining that it was a joke. I remember always a tension between us….maybe my jealousy….and I remember being cruel and unfair.
Hannah, if there’s one person in this world I’ve done wrong by, it’s you. You were always sunshine and I think I was jealous so I tried to put it out….and no matter how hard I try to stop, I always find myself trying to put you down or criticize you. I’m sorry and I’ll try harder. You are a woman now, and I will try extra hard to treat you with the respect you deserve. I love you.
People grow up. Even me. But when I work at the retirement community, I forget how young I really am. I talk to so many people who have a whole life time behind them. They’ve already done it all. And I walk out of there and I get a little jolt and think, “I haven’t done any of that yet. I’m still young.” And I feel young. I feel like a little child who’s still lost and confused, and doesn’t know how to relate to the world. But I look in the mirror and I see someone who should know what she’s doing. Someone who’s old enough to be responsible and sensible. And then there are the times when I just feel tired. For some reason, at those times, the end seems near. And then I realize that I might live for another 80 years.
We won our game. Yay! The MAN! It was close. 5-5 and we went into overtime and won 6-5.