First of all, MY BABY SISTER IS 16 YEARS OLD! Oh my goodness. I’m not sure if I can handle this!  (doing breathing exercises) I’ll be okay. But I do remember….I must have not yet been 3 years old and me and Bekah stepped up on these steps they had placed by a window in the hospital and looked into the nursery.  That was the first time I saw her. Then my next memory….a baby shower or something…Hannah was in a basket in the middle of the room and me and Bekah were sitting w/ her.  A bunch of insignificant adults were sitting in chairs around us….but to me it was just the three of us.  I remember as she got older….Mom trying to keep the Dic Dic poop out of her mouth….her peeing behind a bush that was (unknown to her) right in front of a large window to a dining area at the guest house we were at.  Her taking the blame when me and Bekah did something wrong, because she thought that it was a good thing.  Me and Bekah being jealous because she was aloud to do things that we were ‘too old’ to do.  Building forts in trees….having fights…temper tantrums.  I remember that sweet little girl….always looking to please others, always smiling, but easily hurt, and very sensitive.  I remember when Mom joked that she was gonna let the women take Hannah away to their homes….I cried and cried till she had to calm me explaining that it was a joke.  I remember always a tension between us….maybe my jealousy….and I remember being cruel and unfair. 

Hannah, if there’s one person in this world I’ve done wrong by, it’s you.  You were always sunshine and I think I was jealous so I tried to put it out….and no matter how hard I try to stop, I always find myself trying to put you down or criticize you.  I’m sorry and I’ll try harder. You are a woman now, and I will try extra hard to treat you with the respect you deserve.  I love you.

People grow up. Even me.  But when I work at the retirement community, I forget how young I really am.  I talk to so many people who have a whole life time behind them. They’ve already done it all.  And I walk out of there and I get a little jolt and think, “I haven’t done any of that yet. I’m still young.”  And I feel young.  I feel like a little child who’s still lost and confused, and doesn’t know how to relate to the world. But I look in the mirror and I see someone who should know what she’s doing. Someone who’s old enough to be responsible and sensible. And then there are the times when I just feel tired. For some reason, at those times, the end seems near.  And then I realize that I might live for another 80 years.

We won our game. Yay! The MAN! It was close. 5-5 and we went into overtime and won 6-5.



5 responses to “

  • Anonymous

    it is amazing how over the years we start to appreciate life more and the people in it.  we learn from our past experience, gaining wisdom in the process.  listening to the residents at vmrc and the wisdom they have to share has been amazing.  maybe we will also live to see 80, 90, even a hundred, or maybe enough to see one more day.  live everyday to the fullest.  great job with the soccer game last night!
    “teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; may Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.”                -psalm 143:10   

  • fallbaby03

    esther I understand everything you said PERFECTLY~ I feel the same way about my younger brother. About a week ago, or two weeks, I found out he called someone and asked her out. It was so strange for me. The girl is his age, but she’s a friend to me as well. I was like wait, he can’t ask her he’s little. then is dawned on me like a sledge hammer, he’s not little anymore. He’s a good guy, that any girl would be lucky to date. It’s just so hard for me to see him as that way. And the thing is, I remember when Tim still saw me as a little girl, and how much I could be hurt by it. It’s amazing how cycles repeat themselves. love you

  • JKLB85

    I think it’s a women who realizes her mistakes not a child, you’re a women Esther. I appreciate the honesty that was written in this journal entry, well done.

  • fallbaby03

    aw… nice words from the person above… if I knew them I would be friends with them 😉 hehe… sorry… have a wonderful day

  • fallbaby03

    love you too… thanks esther

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